When do we stop deserving others trust?

When I first found out that Drake had slept with our friend...my "friend"...Onika, I guess I felt more betrayed than anything. I wasn't really angry... I mean I couldn't be... We weren't together when he slept with her, even if it was only days after our break up, he was single. But I guess it was more of the fact that it was HER and that she -a friend- had decided that it was okay to fuck the love of my life for the last 5 years.... I was feeling betrayed as a friend and sorta going through this life lesson that: not everyone has the same respect and boundaries for friendship. What some may consider " showing loyalty, respect, and honesty towards one another as sort of a silent contract between 2 people/2 friends..." Is different and varies between each person.... And I was learning that there were a few lines of fine print in both Onika's and now Rachel's...a fine print I should've been made aware of... One stating it was ok to sleep with another's LONG TIME LOVE after a horribly hard break up, immediately afterwards.....the feeling of that emotional knife in your back is a confusing one. Why is it there? Should I be feeling like this or am I just overreacting? Will it ever get pulled out...even a little?  Turns out you can't trust manyeople to have morals...or boundaries...respect. It's all humanity has....but we don't even have that.

Some women

What is with women these days?

 I know to young army men now that had settled down and married the women who bared their first child... (No matter the circumstances) They took care of these women to the best of their abilities and was there for them as they needed. And now both are divorced.... And each mother is trying to take away as much of their time as they can with their beautiful daughters. WHY?!???! These men WANT to spend time and LOVE their daughters with everything they got! Isn't that what women want from the FATHER OF THEIR CHILD?!? I really don't understand. YOU DON'T JUST GO AND REPLACE YOUR CHILD'S FATHER WITH "THE OTHER MAN"! That IS NOT nor will it EVER be "okay!" Both these men love and would die for their daughters! Have never harmed a single hair on their heads. You women HAVEN'T a right to take their daughters away from them. NO RIGHT AT ALL! These men love their daughters, they are their worlds. LET THEM LOVE THEIR DAUGHTERS HOW THEY WERE MENT TOO!!!! Quit being so selfish. Those girls need their daddy's. NOT that other "man"......

Is it a sign?

So more and more I begin to wonder where, or how, I piled up so much bad karma in life. Things with Drake are still horrible and getting worse. The more I try to build a wall against it....the more I break down. Maybe It's that he is familiar... maybe that I can't let our love we once had...die with the end to our relationship....i honestly can't figure it out. The moment i'm feeling "indestructible"...I fall straight back to hell. I have a week moment when I needed the old Drake the most and....and I go to him. Then I make everything worse again. For me. For him. And for Onika- the "friend" he slept with just as we were going to get back together with.
    Whenever I hang out with Onkia I get to listen to her, ALL DAY, complain about Drake. How he is such a flirt and does this or says that. How she love's and cares for him soooo much.... THAT I COULDN'T POSSIBLE UNDERSTAND. -which in return makes me wanna slap her and say "There was my 5 YEARS WORTH of "Not" understanding...-
Sometimes I sit in the bottom of my shower and wonder what happened to my life.... Of all the things that could have happened with the end of Drake and I's mine and Drakes relationship....why did it have to end up like this? Why do I always have "friends" that get with the one person I love? Onika, you ruined everything. not only a relationship that was gunna have another chance....but even the break up and trying to get over each other...yah, your ruining it all....thanks "friend".

Last night I sat in my shower for hours....crying in the middle of the night...so no one would here me... I've began to fall back into the darkness I once knew as a child....and Im scared....
I sat in there till i past out in the scorching water...watching the blood run down the drain...telling me "Your still alive.. Im sorry"...

Tonight I got off work at 11pm... I was drifting up to the stop sign to county rd. 9...I looked up and saw a falling star...straight down It went, till it disappeared. For a split second I thought "I know how you feel" Then I Stopped my Jeep...closed my eyes and made a wish. "I wish i could figure my lie out. get over Drake. And be with/find a guy like Riley" Then suddenly a green flash lit up across the sky... and the northern lights lite up from where the star disappeared and stretched across the night sky.... "I sure hope this is a sign...a sign that life is gunna pick up soon....i hope...please" Is all i could whisper to myself.

PLEASE LET THAT BE TRUE! LIFE NEEDS TO TURN AROUND

Wars with in

I hate how there's always these two totally different sides within me. Both at war, and I always have to choose between one or another. Two different opinions and feelings; so different yet both so true to me. 

One aside of me is happy with my decision to leave Drake. He cheated on me for the whole 5years we were together. On and off again. Never spent time with me. Made me feel bad if we didn't have sex every single time he wanted to. Lots of things. He lost him self some where along the way, and me -being the usual "help everyone" kind of person- tried to find him again for him.... In result, along the way I began to loose myself in the search for him. The man I loved and fell in love with years before. So around that time is when I began to wonder if I should be in the relationship anymore. For many months I wondered and tried to push the thought out of my head. Constantly reminding my self of how much I love him. But the thoughts got stronger and stronger. Every time he began to get upset with me for nothing or every time he wasn't there for me and even more when he lied to me. The. For months I quietly began to talk to some people about it. And them thoughts became more and more real. Then I found my self falling back into a deep depression. With the lost of my best friend and the thoughts about leaving the last person I trusted. I was lost. And I knew it was a good thing... And time... To leave and separate myself. 

Then there is the side of me that is holding a sort of grudge against me. I had left the one person I loved and trusted -even if he didn't deserve it- more than anything. I cry more than ever.  I trust nobody. Even those who deserve it and haven't done anything wrong. When I found one of Drakes tabletops in my drawer last night.... It smelt just like him and I wanted to cry my eyes out and be a very at my self. I wanted to screen and punish myself for the decisions I made! Why?!? Why!!?? Did u let him go. Why, why do I hurt and why do I hurt myself? What did you do???...........

This war with in is beginning to feel like its ripping me apart..... I don't know which side to chose and feel. I keep trying to ignore it I guess.... Just file it away deep inside with everything else I want to forget about. Why does life have to be worse than the "Hell" in a Christians fairy tail? 

~c

Sometime's Life Rob's You....

Tonight has just been one of them night's that we all have. There are many different thought's going through my head.

I went and hung out with Rian again (the boy 2 floors down in my dorm). I'm so confused with this guy; he just sends so many mixed up signals to me. Sometimes he can be a little flirty, sometimes I feel like he's talking to me about school like my parents, and other times he's awkward and flirty together. He wont talk to me forever, and then message me out of nowhere wanting to hang out. He's cute and funny and can be flirty.... but I don't know. I was thinking about just saying "Fuck it" and kissing him, but that's hard when I cant even read his opinion on me. Well I was finally gunna just take the dive and do it.....then.....he say's "I found a Bi girl for you.".... -,-" "How did you know I was Bi again?" was all I could ask. He must of say it on my profile on the site we met on before i took it down. But yah, so at that moment I was back to being confused but now worse and I knew there was no way I was going to make the move after that.
 Im so stuck.

I was cleaning my room tonight when I came across a white tank top that looked to small to be mine.... then realized it was my ex's, Drake. It still smelt like him :) :....( I wanted to bust into tears but I was....(-,-" The song he use to sing to me JUST came on my Ipod now too....fuck my life)..... in the room with my roommate.
Some times I question my decision to leave him. I loved him with all of my heart. Some times I just feel like life has robbed me of all I worked for and thought I had.......

When do I get to rob it back? :,(

~C

The roommate (Ashley)

So yesterday I found out that my roommate Ashley (Reminder: Names changed) is not coming back next semester :(. I've really come to like her. We are both laid back and smoke together and just have some of the best laughs and moments. I know i am going to miss her...but i also doubt that she'll want to keep in contact either. I'm not sure how good our friendship even is for that...or even if we are just 'roommates' and not even 'friends'.... I'm not sure.
Ashley is from the cities too; which is where she is going back. So I doubt I'll ever see her again. Makes me sad:( I really like her. I want to keep her as a friend. -,-" I don't know. Im just hoping to spend lots of time with her while she is here. Teaching her fun out of her norm kind of things. I want to take her hunting with me and fishing this winter. Hell maybe we can learn spearing too. Cause I'm going to put an angle house out on the lake near my college. I'M EXCITED! I've taken her on her first four-wheeler ride already! :D And yesterday I gave her her first lesson on driving a manual four-wheeler. Which was fun. Then we ripped around the woods some more :P Can't wait to go again! :)

Plan to enjoy our time while I got the friend. Ashley, Im glad i got you as my first college roommate...and not some creep/bitch :)

Sincerely, 
C

College Guys

Last night my cousin Lauren and I decide to go for a swim at one of the local hotels in town. (Which we do a lot.) it is just us in the pool area and maybe friends that we invite. Last night on the other hand, there was a large group of college kids -which consisted of only one lady- enjoying the sauna and the hot tub. Lauren gets sort of shy with new people. so where ever they were (hot tub or pool), we were in the other. We decided to leave around 11pm, and I guess the college kids thought the same. By the time we got all dresses and turned in our keys they were ready as well. :P So Lauren and I rushed on out to my Jeep on the back side of the hotel. Well all these guys and this 1 lady piled into this teeny tiny car behind me. they went to go out the back side of the lot as well as I did..... well I wasn't aware that the way around the lot i went....ended at some lawn...and then the building. So there was no actual road way. The other college kids were sitting there...waiting to see if id back my jeep up or go around or what....so seeing as I now have 4-wheel drive in my new vehicle, as well as more clearance, I decided to shift down to the next gear and floor it over the lawn and the curb and out of the lot. As my cousin and I sat at the read light laughing our asses off, this little car PACKED full with these kids....pulled up next to us with all the guys screaming and hooting and hollaring with double thumbs up saying "FUCK YA!!!"

It amazes me these days what shocks people and makes them decide they like you. ESPECIALLY college guys!

Everyone Has A Beginning

I've decide to start this blog in an attempt to keep my sanity as well as show others that their not crazy, wierd, or that different than they think. We all have UPS and DOWNS in our lives... we just do. Sometimes we have thoughts that we feel are out of the norm, and they most defiantly are not I'd say. We all have a time (or maybe it's all the time) where we feel like we're ALONE...but the truth is, your never the first..nor will you be the last. Some one has/ is going throught whatever it is that you are. Someone has/ is thinking the same odd/scary/random thoughts that you are. As much as we all feel alone sometimes.... we're not.

So I will most like talk about things going on in my life, in my head, or even in other peoples lives that i know. (OBVIOUSLY I'LL HAVE NAMES CHANGED ON HERE! i AM NOT WRITTING THIS FOR A REVENGE THING. NO. MORE FOR ME AND FOR OTHERS FEELING LIKE THEY'RE THE ONLY ONES GOING THROUGH TOUGH,ODD, AND HARD TIMES.)

ALSO, THIS WILL NOT ALL BE DEPRESSING! But we all have them times in our lives where we get depressed. So if you bare with me in the DOWN stages....you'll laugh during the UPS. :)

P.S. I don't really know if others will ever even read this blog. But at least I can feel better :P

Sincerly,
C