When do we stop deserving others trust?

When I first found out that Drake had slept with our friend...my "friend"...Onika, I guess I felt more betrayed than anything. I wasn't really angry... I mean I couldn't be... We weren't together when he slept with her, even if it was only days after our break up, he was single. But I guess it was more of the fact that it was HER and that she -a friend- had decided that it was okay to fuck the love of my life for the last 5 years.... I was feeling betrayed as a friend and sorta going through this life lesson that: not everyone has the same respect and boundaries for friendship. What some may consider " showing loyalty, respect, and honesty towards one another as sort of a silent contract between 2 people/2 friends..." Is different and varies between each person.... And I was learning that there were a few lines of fine print in both Onika's and now Rachel's...a fine print I should've been made aware of... One stating it was ok to sleep with another's LONG TIME LOVE after a horribly hard break up, immediately afterwards.....the feeling of that emotional knife in your back is a confusing one. Why is it there? Should I be feeling like this or am I just overreacting? Will it ever get pulled out...even a little?  Turns out you can't trust manyeople to have morals...or boundaries...respect. It's all humanity has....but we don't even have that.

Some women

What is with women these days?

 I know to young army men now that had settled down and married the women who bared their first child... (No matter the circumstances) They took care of these women to the best of their abilities and was there for them as they needed. And now both are divorced.... And each mother is trying to take away as much of their time as they can with their beautiful daughters. WHY?!???! These men WANT to spend time and LOVE their daughters with everything they got! Isn't that what women want from the FATHER OF THEIR CHILD?!? I really don't understand. YOU DON'T JUST GO AND REPLACE YOUR CHILD'S FATHER WITH "THE OTHER MAN"! That IS NOT nor will it EVER be "okay!" Both these men love and would die for their daughters! Have never harmed a single hair on their heads. You women HAVEN'T a right to take their daughters away from them. NO RIGHT AT ALL! These men love their daughters, they are their worlds. LET THEM LOVE THEIR DAUGHTERS HOW THEY WERE MENT TOO!!!! Quit being so selfish. Those girls need their daddy's. NOT that other "man"......

Is it a sign?

So more and more I begin to wonder where, or how, I piled up so much bad karma in life. Things with Drake are still horrible and getting worse. The more I try to build a wall against it....the more I break down. Maybe It's that he is familiar... maybe that I can't let our love we once had...die with the end to our relationship....i honestly can't figure it out. The moment i'm feeling "indestructible"...I fall straight back to hell. I have a week moment when I needed the old Drake the most and....and I go to him. Then I make everything worse again. For me. For him. And for Onika- the "friend" he slept with just as we were going to get back together with.
    Whenever I hang out with Onkia I get to listen to her, ALL DAY, complain about Drake. How he is such a flirt and does this or says that. How she love's and cares for him soooo much.... THAT I COULDN'T POSSIBLE UNDERSTAND. -which in return makes me wanna slap her and say "There was my 5 YEARS WORTH of "Not" understanding...-
Sometimes I sit in the bottom of my shower and wonder what happened to my life.... Of all the things that could have happened with the end of Drake and I's mine and Drakes relationship....why did it have to end up like this? Why do I always have "friends" that get with the one person I love? Onika, you ruined everything. not only a relationship that was gunna have another chance....but even the break up and trying to get over each other...yah, your ruining it all....thanks "friend".

Last night I sat in my shower for hours....crying in the middle of the night...so no one would here me... I've began to fall back into the darkness I once knew as a child....and Im scared....
I sat in there till i past out in the scorching water...watching the blood run down the drain...telling me "Your still alive.. Im sorry"...

Tonight I got off work at 11pm... I was drifting up to the stop sign to county rd. 9...I looked up and saw a falling star...straight down It went, till it disappeared. For a split second I thought "I know how you feel" Then I Stopped my Jeep...closed my eyes and made a wish. "I wish i could figure my lie out. get over Drake. And be with/find a guy like Riley" Then suddenly a green flash lit up across the sky... and the northern lights lite up from where the star disappeared and stretched across the night sky.... "I sure hope this is a sign...a sign that life is gunna pick up soon....i hope...please" Is all i could whisper to myself.

PLEASE LET THAT BE TRUE! LIFE NEEDS TO TURN AROUND