This needs to exist

You said you loved me but you left anyways

Promise Ring Rush Da Russian Rapper

The Time Keeper

Maybe we all have it so wrong about zombies- about our destiny?

What if, zombies won't be caused due to the military or an illness....what if they come from broken people. People who have experience so many drastic heart breaks... (The real deal....) and enough shattered hopes and dreams..... That eventually, in the middle of life- at any second- their heart breaks from utter pain for the last time... And lastly, their hearts just stop beating...and you're a zombie. Spiteful, bitter, and empty in your soul.... 

All that's left is the animal instincts we humans have learned to ignore and control..... Humans are scary destructive.... 

What if we don't destroy ourselves in war and violence..... But instead we do it in love and hate- pain, betrayal, agony, and doubt. Trust and peace isn't even an option....

I'll I'd have to say-is "RUN" cause I'm starting without you

-C

When I'm Gone 3 Doors Down

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There're secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Or maybe I'm just blind...

Or maybe I'm just blind...

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

Love me when I'm gone...

When your education X-Ray
Cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

Or maybe I'm just blind...

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

Love me when I'm gone...

Love me when I'm gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone

Thoughts in the beginning

6 years. 1 year of glory, then high school: the other women, the future, our love....... One of these is what got me here.... In the first place.

   My mind is so messed up right now- so I'm sure all of this will be all over the place and just as much of a mess.

  This was never suppose to happen in the first place. Why couldn't I have just stayed away from dating, love, and him? I wasn't ever worried about "when am I going to get a bf?" But one day my life just took this path.... He pulled me in like a magnet... Showing me that someone could care, that life really can be filled with breath taking moments, and that a little crazy is just what I need sometime. He was my world for a while... I was soooo blindly in love with him that I would've followed him to the end of the world and back and carried us the whole way if he wanted...

   I remember the sun beating sown on us as we slide out to the back of the school- across the soccer field, the sun shinned down on us with crazy warmth, and the wind weaves through our bodies entertaining us as we both just had the biggest smiles on our faces.

   I remember one day the rain was poring down so heavily that rivers were flowing off the tennis courts. I was drenched from head to toe and we had been fighting all day... I don't even remember what he did but I stood there watching the the streams and he came from behind me....... Both drenching wet he apologized. Next I know my legs where around his waist and I was kissing him against the shed. Water running down our face and his arms wrapped around me. I've never felt so alive and so I. Love. My hear was soaring so high I was already in danger. 

   I must admit tho things where not always great. Before the next school year he left me to "not be tied down" then surrounded me as I was miserable. He cheated on me the next summer and a few more times for the next few years. At one point even asking if he could date me and another girl in another town that hew as visiting when he called. I tried to keep a clear head and an open mind all the time for him. Last summer I broke up with him for once. He cheated on me with a "friend" once again. She then moved into his house..... I tortured myself by still seeing him and having a physical relationship with him. I was still trying to be nice to the girl as she would complain and tell me " that I just don't know how much she loves him" - even thought we had a relationship for the past 5 years.

I gave my everything and my all....but even when I was miserable and he was happy... I still loved him. I still do.

He broke my heart this time.... I kept gluing us back together and now everything has fallen apart. I'm a mess.... I can't keep myself from crying myself to sleep, crying driving to and from work, and crying at work. If I'm not crying I just feel numb inside. I sleep to keep the pain at bay and smoke more and more to keep myself numb...

   I don't know what I did to make him so unhappy.... 

   I don't understand why I'm such a mess over it....

   I still love him....

   I'm so broken....

Little things

-C