Wars with in

I hate how there's always these two totally different sides within me. Both at war, and I always have to choose between one or another. Two different opinions and feelings; so different yet both so true to me. 

One aside of me is happy with my decision to leave Drake. He cheated on me for the whole 5years we were together. On and off again. Never spent time with me. Made me feel bad if we didn't have sex every single time he wanted to. Lots of things. He lost him self some where along the way, and me -being the usual "help everyone" kind of person- tried to find him again for him.... In result, along the way I began to loose myself in the search for him. The man I loved and fell in love with years before. So around that time is when I began to wonder if I should be in the relationship anymore. For many months I wondered and tried to push the thought out of my head. Constantly reminding my self of how much I love him. But the thoughts got stronger and stronger. Every time he began to get upset with me for nothing or every time he wasn't there for me and even more when he lied to me. The. For months I quietly began to talk to some people about it. And them thoughts became more and more real. Then I found my self falling back into a deep depression. With the lost of my best friend and the thoughts about leaving the last person I trusted. I was lost. And I knew it was a good thing... And time... To leave and separate myself. 

Then there is the side of me that is holding a sort of grudge against me. I had left the one person I loved and trusted -even if he didn't deserve it- more than anything. I cry more than ever.  I trust nobody. Even those who deserve it and haven't done anything wrong. When I found one of Drakes tabletops in my drawer last night.... It smelt just like him and I wanted to cry my eyes out and be a very at my self. I wanted to screen and punish myself for the decisions I made! Why?!? Why!!?? Did u let him go. Why, why do I hurt and why do I hurt myself? What did you do???...........

This war with in is beginning to feel like its ripping me apart..... I don't know which side to chose and feel. I keep trying to ignore it I guess.... Just file it away deep inside with everything else I want to forget about. Why does life have to be worse than the "Hell" in a Christians fairy tail? 

~c

Sometime's Life Rob's You....

Tonight has just been one of them night's that we all have. There are many different thought's going through my head.

I went and hung out with Rian again (the boy 2 floors down in my dorm). I'm so confused with this guy; he just sends so many mixed up signals to me. Sometimes he can be a little flirty, sometimes I feel like he's talking to me about school like my parents, and other times he's awkward and flirty together. He wont talk to me forever, and then message me out of nowhere wanting to hang out. He's cute and funny and can be flirty.... but I don't know. I was thinking about just saying "Fuck it" and kissing him, but that's hard when I cant even read his opinion on me. Well I was finally gunna just take the dive and do it.....then.....he say's "I found a Bi girl for you.".... -,-" "How did you know I was Bi again?" was all I could ask. He must of say it on my profile on the site we met on before i took it down. But yah, so at that moment I was back to being confused but now worse and I knew there was no way I was going to make the move after that.
 Im so stuck.

I was cleaning my room tonight when I came across a white tank top that looked to small to be mine.... then realized it was my ex's, Drake. It still smelt like him :) :....( I wanted to bust into tears but I was....(-,-" The song he use to sing to me JUST came on my Ipod now too....fuck my life)..... in the room with my roommate.
Some times I question my decision to leave him. I loved him with all of my heart. Some times I just feel like life has robbed me of all I worked for and thought I had.......

When do I get to rob it back? :,(

~C

The roommate (Ashley)

So yesterday I found out that my roommate Ashley (Reminder: Names changed) is not coming back next semester :(. I've really come to like her. We are both laid back and smoke together and just have some of the best laughs and moments. I know i am going to miss her...but i also doubt that she'll want to keep in contact either. I'm not sure how good our friendship even is for that...or even if we are just 'roommates' and not even 'friends'.... I'm not sure.
Ashley is from the cities too; which is where she is going back. So I doubt I'll ever see her again. Makes me sad:( I really like her. I want to keep her as a friend. -,-" I don't know. Im just hoping to spend lots of time with her while she is here. Teaching her fun out of her norm kind of things. I want to take her hunting with me and fishing this winter. Hell maybe we can learn spearing too. Cause I'm going to put an angle house out on the lake near my college. I'M EXCITED! I've taken her on her first four-wheeler ride already! :D And yesterday I gave her her first lesson on driving a manual four-wheeler. Which was fun. Then we ripped around the woods some more :P Can't wait to go again! :)

Plan to enjoy our time while I got the friend. Ashley, Im glad i got you as my first college roommate...and not some creep/bitch :)

Sincerely, 
C