My mind is so messed up right now- so I'm sure all of this will be all over the place and just as much of a mess.
This was never suppose to happen in the first place. Why couldn't I have just stayed away from dating, love, and him? I wasn't ever worried about "when am I going to get a bf?" But one day my life just took this path.... He pulled me in like a magnet... Showing me that someone could care, that life really can be filled with breath taking moments, and that a little crazy is just what I need sometime. He was my world for a while... I was soooo blindly in love with him that I would've followed him to the end of the world and back and carried us the whole way if he wanted...
I remember the sun beating sown on us as we slide out to the back of the school- across the soccer field, the sun shinned down on us with crazy warmth, and the wind weaves through our bodies entertaining us as we both just had the biggest smiles on our faces.
I remember one day the rain was poring down so heavily that rivers were flowing off the tennis courts. I was drenched from head to toe and we had been fighting all day... I don't even remember what he did but I stood there watching the the streams and he came from behind me....... Both drenching wet he apologized. Next I know my legs where around his waist and I was kissing him against the shed. Water running down our face and his arms wrapped around me. I've never felt so alive and so I. Love. My hear was soaring so high I was already in danger.
I must admit tho things where not always great. Before the next school year he left me to "not be tied down" then surrounded me as I was miserable. He cheated on me the next summer and a few more times for the next few years. At one point even asking if he could date me and another girl in another town that hew as visiting when he called. I tried to keep a clear head and an open mind all the time for him. Last summer I broke up with him for once. He cheated on me with a "friend" once again. She then moved into his house..... I tortured myself by still seeing him and having a physical relationship with him. I was still trying to be nice to the girl as she would complain and tell me " that I just don't know how much she loves him" - even thought we had a relationship for the past 5 years.
I gave my everything and my all....but even when I was miserable and he was happy... I still loved him. I still do.
He broke my heart this time.... I kept gluing us back together and now everything has fallen apart. I'm a mess.... I can't keep myself from crying myself to sleep, crying driving to and from work, and crying at work. If I'm not crying I just feel numb inside. I sleep to keep the pain at bay and smoke more and more to keep myself numb...
I don't know what I did to make him so unhappy....
I don't understand why I'm such a mess over it....
I still love him....
I'm so broken....
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